She was lying on the floor and counting stretch marks
she hadn't been a virgin and he hadn't been a god
so she names the baby Elvis
to make up for the royalty he lacked
And from then on it was turpentine and patches
from then on it was cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play
And it was raining cats and dogs out side of her window
And she knew they were destined to become
sacred road kill on the way
And she was listening to the sound of heavens shaking
thinking about puddles, puddles and mistakes
Now it's turpentine and patches
Now it's cold, cold Campbell's from the can
They were just two jerks playing with matches
Cause that's all they knew how to play
Elvis never could carry a tune
she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon
she was tracing the years with her fingers on her skin
saying why don't I begin again
with turpentine and patches
with cold Campbell's from the can
after all I'm still a jerk playing with matches
it's just that he's not around to play along
I'm still an ass hole playing with matches
Blowing out my wishes blowing out my dreams
Just sitting here and trying to decipher
what's written in Braille upon my skin..

i walk such a thin line between complete joy and suicide everyday.

we all deserve so much more than what we have.

I now realize that I deserved this all along.

i saw your heartbeat. and in that moment, you were mine.

It is just a matter of time.

Sometimes I get to thinking about all the friends I used to have and all the people I have abruptly ejected out of my life, or simply let slide out of my grasp through all these years, and honestly, it leaves me a bit numb. I dont know how I feel about most of it. There are some people who honestly I am better off without, and I am well aware of this fact, and there are some people who things could have been much better and different with if I had done things different now. And I know that those friendships are far far beyond repair, and that saddens me.

I still blame myself immensely for what happened to Andrew. I feel like I should have done more for him. I feel like it was something I could have prevented. I feel like I failed him in some way and that his suicide was a slap in the face to all the love I had for him and for all that I tried to help him. I know it isnt my fault, I know that it was his choice, but I tried so hard to help him and it wasnt enough. It wasnt enough, I wasnt enough. And I miss him so terribly, every single day. His death ruined my life and caused the giant snowball that lead to all the terrible things that happened to me, and I am angry about it. And I get angry at myself for being angry at him. And I cant help it. I just miss him. I havent found anyone else that even compares to the level of understanding that we had, no one has gotten me as well since. And yes, I have loved since then. I have put all my love into all the wrong places, given to people who didnt deserve it, or those who did but didnt know how to accept it. It just hasnt been the same with anyone since. That doesnt mean I dont have something wonderful with Ryan, because we do. He's the best to come around since Andrew, and I'm grateful for him every single day that I've known him. He's something special and is putting me back together, finally.

I wanted to write something about my best friend, but somehow I lost everything I wanted to say, and I feel he deserves his own entry. I'll do that soon.

Today I learned that some things fall apart so others can fall into place.