It is just a matter of time.

Sometimes I get to thinking about all the friends I used to have and all the people I have abruptly ejected out of my life, or simply let slide out of my grasp through all these years, and honestly, it leaves me a bit numb. I dont know how I feel about most of it. There are some people who honestly I am better off without, and I am well aware of this fact, and there are some people who things could have been much better and different with if I had done things different now. And I know that those friendships are far far beyond repair, and that saddens me.

I still blame myself immensely for what happened to Andrew. I feel like I should have done more for him. I feel like it was something I could have prevented. I feel like I failed him in some way and that his suicide was a slap in the face to all the love I had for him and for all that I tried to help him. I know it isnt my fault, I know that it was his choice, but I tried so hard to help him and it wasnt enough. It wasnt enough, I wasnt enough. And I miss him so terribly, every single day. His death ruined my life and caused the giant snowball that lead to all the terrible things that happened to me, and I am angry about it. And I get angry at myself for being angry at him. And I cant help it. I just miss him. I havent found anyone else that even compares to the level of understanding that we had, no one has gotten me as well since. And yes, I have loved since then. I have put all my love into all the wrong places, given to people who didnt deserve it, or those who did but didnt know how to accept it. It just hasnt been the same with anyone since. That doesnt mean I dont have something wonderful with Ryan, because we do. He's the best to come around since Andrew, and I'm grateful for him every single day that I've known him. He's something special and is putting me back together, finally.

I wanted to write something about my best friend, but somehow I lost everything I wanted to say, and I feel he deserves his own entry. I'll do that soon.

Today I learned that some things fall apart so others can fall into place.

This weeks Postsecrets made me feel a million times better about my world, like they were written just for me.

Its quite evident that I cant commit to anything lately, be it from doing my homework to going to class or going to work or being a good friend or even to updating a fucking blog every few days. My mind is in a million places, and I cant focus on anything for more than a few minutes before its off and running in a completely different direction.

Theres a lot on my mind lately. I'm coming to the realization that I will probably never be okay with what happened to me. Its been 3 years. I still feel like the same scared 16 year old girl I was then, and that terrifies me, but I feel like nothing has changed. I feel like I havent grown. Havent matured. Haven't gotten any smarter about things. Havent learned my lesson. Havent forgiven. Havent forgotten. I'm in the same exact place emotionally that I was 3 years ago. And I'm reliving February 6th every 364 days and I dont like reliving it. I dont like looking at the clock and seeing 2:36 pm roll around. I dont like thinking about that day or what happened or who it happened with. I find myself thinking about it the other 364 days of the year, but there is never a day where it feels more real or any worse than February 6th. Its this day I had my innocence ripped away from me, its the day a large part of me died inside, its the day that gave me the best gift which was only torn from me later on too. Its the day that everything in my life changed for the absolute worse, and that its continuously gone up, but more so downhill. Every year it gets worse. And every year it seems to feel a bit less real- I need it to feel real to know that it was real because thats something I deny every day. But it was real. I know it was. I'm trying to accept it, but acceptance can only get me so far.

The one thing I have learned is that its my time to speak. It may not be right now, but it will be soon. Its time to tell my story.