Sometimes I get to thinking about all the friends I used to have and all the people I have abruptly ejected out of my life, or simply let slide out of my grasp through all these years, and honestly, it leaves me a bit numb. I dont know how I feel about most of it. There are some people who honestly I am better off without, and I am well aware of this fact, and there are some people who things could have been much better and different with if I had done things different now. And I know that those friendships are far far beyond repair, and that saddens me.

I still blame myself immensely for what happened to Andrew. I feel like I should have done more for him. I feel like it was something I could have prevented. I feel like I failed him in some way and that his suicide was a slap in the face to all the love I had for him and for all that I tried to help him. I know it isnt my fault, I know that it was his choice, but I tried so hard to help him and it wasnt enough. It wasnt enough, I wasnt enough. And I miss him so terribly, every single day. His death ruined my life and caused the giant snowball that lead to all the terrible things that happened to me, and I am angry about it. And I get angry at myself for being angry at him. And I cant help it. I just miss him. I havent found anyone else that even compares to the level of understanding that we had, no one has gotten me as well since. And yes, I have loved since then. I have put all my love into all the wrong places, given to people who didnt deserve it, or those who did but didnt know how to accept it. It just hasnt been the same with anyone since. That doesnt mean I dont have something wonderful with Ryan, because we do. He's the best to come around since Andrew, and I'm grateful for him every single day that I've known him. He's something special and is putting me back together, finally.

I wanted to write something about my best friend, but somehow I lost everything I wanted to say, and I feel he deserves his own entry. I'll do that soon.

Today I learned that some things fall apart so others can fall into place.