Man, I kind of failed at updating this week.

Regardless, it was Thanksgiving, and I'm grateful for everything that I have in my life, and you should be too.

I'm having one of the biggest revelations of my life right now. I've come a long way, and I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to give up and die now. And I want to make this very clear to him, that he DID NOT BREAK ME, and that I have been the bigger person and forgave him, and that is between him and God now. And I dont give a EXPLETIVE how messed up he is over things- HIS GUILT is what he earned for what he did and I hope it EATS AT HIM every day of his life and that he cant look himself in the eye ever again. I hope he someday has to tell his children what he did as a teenager. I hope it kills his soul a little bit every day that passes just as it has done to me for the past 2 and half year. I hope he is rattled by the same kind of shame and fear that I have. I hope someone hurts him in the same way someday, and I hope everyone leaves him for dead. I hope that he thinks about it every day. I hope it gnaws at him, I hope that he cant sleep at night. I hope that he has nightmares and I hope that there are reminders of me everywhere in everyday to remind him of what he did. I hope he never forgets. I hope it haunts him until he dies. I hope that he realizes that if I ever see him in person ever again in my life, hes going to know all of this. I hope that if I ever see him again, that he's going to see a strong and better person than I was when I was 16. I want him to see that I have grown and that I am better and that I am OKAY and that I no longer live in fear of him, and that I no longer am defined by what he did to me, and that I am living my life and that I am NO LONGER UNDER HIS CONTROL and that I am not a victim anymore. I hope he sees that despite him killing my innocence and my soul, and taking a way a part of me that I'm never going to get back, that I SURVIVED. And I'm not just coasting by, I am LIVING MY LIFE. If anything what he did, it made me stronger and gave me a rebirth. It made me proactive in my own life and I refuse to succumb to what anyone can ever do to me and that I can take care of myself. I hope he knows if he ever comes near me again that I can defend myself this time and I refuse to be overpowered. I have a voice now, 2 and half years past since I couldnt speak, and I couldnt scream, and I couldnt cry. Its been 2 and a half years and thats all coming out now and I HAVE A VOICE and I am not staying quiet any longer. It rips at my heart to do it but its time to speak out.

I am not ashamed. I am no longer afraid. I am no longer guilty. I no longer blame myself, I no longer blame God, I no longer blame the bystanders or the drugs. I blame you one hundred percent for what you did. I hope youre reading this. You didnt break me, and you'll never find peace for what you did. I am not your victim anymore.


This is the last day of being a victim, and the first day of being a survivor. This is the first day to getting myself back. I am a survivor, I am thriving, and I am amazing.

Today, I realized that I am the only one accountable for my choices for my life. I live the life I live because I CHOSE this. Everything in my life is in some way caused and created by something I chose or did. I take full responsibility and blame for everything, and I'm alright with that. I AM ALRIGHT WITH THAT. I know what ever I do, my past is always going to haunt me. But, thats my fault too. I chose to let those people into my life, I made the choices I did with them, I chose to trust when I shouldnt have and I chose to ignore my gut. And at this point in my life, I choose to keep the bad memories because they are a part of who I am and the choices I will make in my life in the future.

That said, I am a made person. Everything I have is a result of my own hard work. 100% on my own. I made the choice to pick myself back up after what happened happened, when it would have been a million times easier to give up and die. There was no one there to help me or for me to lean on, so I had to rely 100% on myself and it made me all the stronger. Yeah, it still pisses me off that everyone abandoned me when I needed them the most, but I'm grateful because it gave me the strength to stand on my own two feet and be completely independent of anyone else. I dont need anyone to take care of me. I can do that myself. I dont need anyone to buy me dinner, pay for my movie, I dont need anyone to do me any favors. And, I dont need to recount my story about what happened to me because I DONT NEED ANY FAVORS OR ANY PITY. I am where I am today because of what happened, and because of my own determination, and I dont need anyones sympathy or admiration. I'm fine on my own, and I take responsibility for all the good and bad in my life.

Everyone just needs to take responsibility for their own life, and let go (or dont), but thats your choice, so own up to it.

Time seems to go so much faster, and faster, the older that I get.

According to my Sociology teacher, in a survey of men in the US, 87% answered that they would commit a sexual crime (specifically assault and rape) if they KNEW they would get away with it.

Eighty-seven percent. Thats a horrifying number. Lets put that into perspective. 87 out of every 100 men that you meet, would attack you if they knew they could get away with it. That number just blows my mind, and makes me very wary of dating ANYONE. Like jesus christ... Thats just so wrong.

Every woman is someones daughter, sister, mother, best friend, cousin, niece and aunt. Just think about that. Treat everyone the same way you'd treat YOUR mother, or YOUR daughter (or father, son, in the reverse). Its just a matter of respect and understanding.

I kind of just dont understand this kind of stuff, like why it happens, or why it happens to certain people. I'll probably never understand.

I blame the cold weather and imminent arrival of winter for the funk everyones been in. It is what it is.

I own far too many scarves, but not enough gloves.

And this is where the vent kicks in.


It is NEVER okay to call a girl a slut for real. 98% of the time, its not okay to say it even in joking. You dont know my past, and you dont know how much that word cuts me to the bone. So just stop.

Treat each other with respect all the time, on all levels. Just saying.

Its time to stop living within the limits we and other people put on ourselves. Far too often we dont allow ourselves to let loose and do what we really want, either for fear of failure or of peoples reactions or apathy to change. Its time to stop that. Go for whatever you want to. Tell someone you love them regardless of what they might say back. Take the chance. Audition for something. Make a new friend with someone you'd normally never talk to. Go on a road trip to get away from everything. Throw away your responsibilities for a day and do whatever the hell it is you want to. Put your everything into something, even if theres a chance of losing it all. The experience is more than worth it.

Its time to actually start living. Living, not just existing or going with the motions. We dont have definite time here, so take it for what its worth and actually fucking live your life. We live in fear of death, but throw that caution to the wind. I dont know about you, but I am not afraid of death. I'm not invincible, but I live my life like I am. We all die someday, I intend on fully deserving it. Theres no need to live in fear of something we cant avoid. Just go live.

Take the time to unwind. It does wonders for a tired soul.

Oh, there is nothing better than sitting down to a cold beer after a long day of work.

I learned today that things are NEVER as they seem, and that people are all still inherently good.

Today, I learned that registrars are EVIL. Like, they deserve to die evil. There was NOTHING wrong with the old way of enrolling for classes. I dont know why they need to make everything SO DIFFICULT. But, after all it, is the university, and if it makes sense then they wont do it!

I just really like to get everything out of the way in the day. I HATE having evening classes, and always try my best to avoid them. I like to get up early, get everything done, and then relax, or go to work. It opens up so much more time in my day, really. I dont see the point in staying up til 4am, sleeping til 2pm and then doing absolutely nothing. Thats more than half your day gone. It just doesnt make any sense to me. Nothing productive happens at night, so why stay up so ridiculously late? Just, sigh. I dont understand why people my age are so lazy and unproductive. I feel like a bum if I dont get something important done every day. Our generation is so sheltered and lazy.

'One of us will die inside these arms- eyes wide open, naked as we came.'




Lies. We all die alone.

We all have those days where the sky is grey and so is your entire day. Where NOTHING goes right, and nothing seems right in your entire world. When someone asks you 'Whats wrong?' all you can say is 'What ISNT?'.

We all have those days, lets be honest. Some of us have them more often than others, some of us try to avoid them like the plague, and some of us are followed around by days like this. They happen.

Its just the constant anxiety sometimes, the tension and the anticipation. The looking forward to things, the anticipation of whats yet to come and what you cant wait for, the tension of things happening that you dont want to happen, or that shouldnt happen but do anyways. The anxiety of feeling like everyone can read your every secret, and your every fear, and everything you ever try to hide from the world. Days where it seems like everyone is pressed up against the door, or trying to peer in through the cracks.

We all have these days.


Hug someone. They surely need it in some way. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle, and has a secret that would break your heart. I wish everyone could remember that, everyone would be far kinder and more understanding to everyone in their lives.

Cinder and smoke- you ask me to pray for rain, with ash in your mouth you ask it to burn again.

Sorry about no post yesterday, but there was good reason for it, I assure you.

Last night, my best friend and I went out to dinner for sushi. Let me correct myself, for the BEST sushi this side of the Pacific. It really is that good. The night then continued for ice cream, and then for movies and wine. It was a very good night.

I guess yesterday can be summed up as spend time with the ones you love, as much as you can, and doing whatever you can. Theres too much in the world that stresses us out, and that bothers us, and not enough that makes us happy. So when you find someone that makes you happy, or something, enjoy it as much as you can. Really.

And today, I simply learned that sometimes, the best you can do is manage some laundry and a paper. Some days you cant get motivated to do anything- today was one of them.

And theres nothing wrong with that, either.

Todays post is brought to you courtesy of I&W

Anyone who has heard the song The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine can attest to the beauty of the storyline behind it. Honestly, I think that its a love song, about a love the went wrong (but we dont know why) and it touches on death and life and love and hate and the small things that happen in growing up and in our daily lives.

It evokes a lot out of me. Everytime I hear it, it makes me cry and each time for a completely different reason- some times for joy, sometimes for fear, sometimes for the inability to forget, out of heartbreak.

lyrics.

Hence today. Today, driving home to BG from a job interview my CD player went to my IW cd and The Trapeze Swinger came on and started to play. And yes, it made me cry, it never fails, I told you that already. It made me think about Andrew and every single fuck up in my life sver.ince he died. Andrew is my fiance who died when I was 16. More correctly, he committed suicide. He was 18. I just... thats enough about him exactly. But, its 3 years later and I am still in love with him. I still miss him terrible and cry about it all the time. I mean, what happened to forever? What did I do, or what DIDNT I do? What could I have done to change the way things ended?

And a lot has happened in the 3 years since he died. I blame every horrible thing that has happened to me and every heartbreak ever since on him dying. If he was still here, I wouldnt have dated anyone else. I wouldnt have loved anyone else to have them break my heart. All the disaster the happened with a certain man would have never happened.

Thats where my thoughts change from Andrew, to That Man. That Man hurt me in ways I'll probably never get over. In my entire life. Ever. And, I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder if he ever feels guilty about what he did. I wonder if he has made things right between him and God. I wonder if he ever thinks fondly of me like before what happened happened, or if I'm just another god damned mistake. And sometimes, I wonder if he simply forgot about me or pushed me out of his mind. And, sometimes, there are times just like today where I'm driving in my car, smoking a cigarette, listening to Iron and Wine and I curse EVERY MEMORY that keeps flooding forward and I curse that year, that day, I curse that classroom, that car, that parking, I CURSE the music and the cigarettes and the people in the foodcourt and the car ride and the rain. Its days like TODAY where I think about everything and anything, and it bothers me despite the years and the distance and the mistakes since.

Its every day, in my morning coffee, its before I go to bed, its the cigarettes, the walks in the sunshine, its the mascara and radio and tv shows and chocolate milk, its the dogs barking and the paintings we create and the photos we take. Its everything inside of every part of us and our lives.

We have such an infinite impact on people, even the people who arent in our lives anymore or were only for a short time, and I just wish sometimes we could see who still loves us, who still hates us, who's minds we cross late at night for no reason- and I wish we could tell people all of this. I wish that people didnt intentionally hurt each other, and that people didnt leave or think only in terms of self preservation. I wish you could forget some things, but sometimes, simply, we cant forget. And some things arent meant to last, and some things arent meant to be forgotten- they HAVE to be remembered.

Todays lesson: You can never forget.



[I never intended this to be so ridiculously long]

Today, one of my sisters had a death in the family. I dont know really what to say about that.

I realized that I'm terrible at cheering people up. I never know what to say, and I dont think words really help in these kinds of situations anyways.

We dont have infinite time here. We never know when we'll go. Yet, we live everyday like tomorrow is promised and like everything will remain static and continue. Nothing bad ever happens to us- it happens to other people. We all think that we are so invincible, but we're not. No one ever wakes up knowing they'll die that day, or goes to sleep not knowing they wont awake in the morning. We dont see these things coming, we never anticipate it. Even in the haze of a carcrash, we dont realize when our time is near- we always fully believe that this isnt our time yet.

But our time will come.

Sneeze.

Fascism is considered and extremely right government, while its brother communism is and extremely left government. What determines these distinctions is the level of control the government has over the people, vs the amount of control the people have over their government. Yet, they are almost identical on paper.


Its November folks, so stock up on tissues and hand sanitizer. I sure am going through the stuff right now.

First posts are like first dates- always awkward, no?

Today, there has not been a lot of learning going on. Yesterday was Halloween, as everyone in the western world already knows, and thus means that everyone is still recovering from their night, whether that involved candy and costumes, or costumes and more adult activities.

Regardless, here are the things I learned the past 2 days. Nothing significant, but things to keep in mind either way.

1. Just because its Halloween, and yes- thats an excuse to dress like a slut, that does not mean I was to see your private bits. Your Dorothy in Oz costume is MUCH cuter without that detail showing, trust me.

2). Just because your ID earns you a free drink at a restaurant, that does not mean you should refill it 5 times to get your moneys worth.


Tomorrow will be more profound, I'm sure.