Its quite evident that I cant commit to anything lately, be it from doing my homework to going to class or going to work or being a good friend or even to updating a fucking blog every few days. My mind is in a million places, and I cant focus on anything for more than a few minutes before its off and running in a completely different direction.

Theres a lot on my mind lately. I'm coming to the realization that I will probably never be okay with what happened to me. Its been 3 years. I still feel like the same scared 16 year old girl I was then, and that terrifies me, but I feel like nothing has changed. I feel like I havent grown. Havent matured. Haven't gotten any smarter about things. Havent learned my lesson. Havent forgiven. Havent forgotten. I'm in the same exact place emotionally that I was 3 years ago. And I'm reliving February 6th every 364 days and I dont like reliving it. I dont like looking at the clock and seeing 2:36 pm roll around. I dont like thinking about that day or what happened or who it happened with. I find myself thinking about it the other 364 days of the year, but there is never a day where it feels more real or any worse than February 6th. Its this day I had my innocence ripped away from me, its the day a large part of me died inside, its the day that gave me the best gift which was only torn from me later on too. Its the day that everything in my life changed for the absolute worse, and that its continuously gone up, but more so downhill. Every year it gets worse. And every year it seems to feel a bit less real- I need it to feel real to know that it was real because thats something I deny every day. But it was real. I know it was. I'm trying to accept it, but acceptance can only get me so far.

The one thing I have learned is that its my time to speak. It may not be right now, but it will be soon. Its time to tell my story.