Todays post is brought to you courtesy of I&W

Anyone who has heard the song The Trapeze Swinger by Iron and Wine can attest to the beauty of the storyline behind it. Honestly, I think that its a love song, about a love the went wrong (but we dont know why) and it touches on death and life and love and hate and the small things that happen in growing up and in our daily lives.

It evokes a lot out of me. Everytime I hear it, it makes me cry and each time for a completely different reason- some times for joy, sometimes for fear, sometimes for the inability to forget, out of heartbreak.

lyrics.

Hence today. Today, driving home to BG from a job interview my CD player went to my IW cd and The Trapeze Swinger came on and started to play. And yes, it made me cry, it never fails, I told you that already. It made me think about Andrew and every single fuck up in my life sver.ince he died. Andrew is my fiance who died when I was 16. More correctly, he committed suicide. He was 18. I just... thats enough about him exactly. But, its 3 years later and I am still in love with him. I still miss him terrible and cry about it all the time. I mean, what happened to forever? What did I do, or what DIDNT I do? What could I have done to change the way things ended?

And a lot has happened in the 3 years since he died. I blame every horrible thing that has happened to me and every heartbreak ever since on him dying. If he was still here, I wouldnt have dated anyone else. I wouldnt have loved anyone else to have them break my heart. All the disaster the happened with a certain man would have never happened.

Thats where my thoughts change from Andrew, to That Man. That Man hurt me in ways I'll probably never get over. In my entire life. Ever. And, I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder if he ever feels guilty about what he did. I wonder if he has made things right between him and God. I wonder if he ever thinks fondly of me like before what happened happened, or if I'm just another god damned mistake. And sometimes, I wonder if he simply forgot about me or pushed me out of his mind. And, sometimes, there are times just like today where I'm driving in my car, smoking a cigarette, listening to Iron and Wine and I curse EVERY MEMORY that keeps flooding forward and I curse that year, that day, I curse that classroom, that car, that parking, I CURSE the music and the cigarettes and the people in the foodcourt and the car ride and the rain. Its days like TODAY where I think about everything and anything, and it bothers me despite the years and the distance and the mistakes since.

Its every day, in my morning coffee, its before I go to bed, its the cigarettes, the walks in the sunshine, its the mascara and radio and tv shows and chocolate milk, its the dogs barking and the paintings we create and the photos we take. Its everything inside of every part of us and our lives.

We have such an infinite impact on people, even the people who arent in our lives anymore or were only for a short time, and I just wish sometimes we could see who still loves us, who still hates us, who's minds we cross late at night for no reason- and I wish we could tell people all of this. I wish that people didnt intentionally hurt each other, and that people didnt leave or think only in terms of self preservation. I wish you could forget some things, but sometimes, simply, we cant forget. And some things arent meant to last, and some things arent meant to be forgotten- they HAVE to be remembered.

Todays lesson: You can never forget.



[I never intended this to be so ridiculously long]